It appears that we sort of have a plan for job scenarios. Whatever happens is supposed to be what happens so I will stop fretting about it. I know that I'm not going to be given any more than I can handle, but sometimes I doubt my own strength.
I just want to feel better. Especially physically. Every little thing is so incredibly exhausting.
I just want to have my degree already.
I just want my baby to grow up with her mother and father able to be in her life more than my mom could. She tried so hard, but always had to work so hard when I was little.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
AH HA!
I had an AH HA! moment this morning.
I've been sweating my ass off lately. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why being a mother and taking care of the same household things I've been doing would make me super sweaty and stinky.
Then recently, I got increasingly tired. Like exhausted constantly. Even more recently, I've been feeling like I'm starving and I have been eating nonstop.
I kept having the thought of depression haunting me. Then for some reason the thought occured to me. What if my thyroid medication dose is too high? It would mimic the symptoms of hyperthyroidism:
Difficulty concentrating (check)
Fatigue (check)
Frequent bowel movements
Goiter (visibly enlarged thyroid gland) or thyroid nodules
Heat intolerance
Increased appetite (check)
Increased sweating (check)
Irregular menstrual periods in women
Nervousness (check)
Restlessness (check)
Weight loss (rarely, weight gain) (check)
Gonna get that checked out.
I've been sweating my ass off lately. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why being a mother and taking care of the same household things I've been doing would make me super sweaty and stinky.
Then recently, I got increasingly tired. Like exhausted constantly. Even more recently, I've been feeling like I'm starving and I have been eating nonstop.
I kept having the thought of depression haunting me. Then for some reason the thought occured to me. What if my thyroid medication dose is too high? It would mimic the symptoms of hyperthyroidism:
Difficulty concentrating (check)
Fatigue (check)
Frequent bowel movements
Goiter (visibly enlarged thyroid gland) or thyroid nodules
Heat intolerance
Increased appetite (check)
Increased sweating (check)
Irregular menstrual periods in women
Nervousness (check)
Restlessness (check)
Weight loss (rarely, weight gain) (check)
Gonna get that checked out.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Economy's a Shithole...
And I'm sinking in it.
So here's the thing. In all the jobs I have had, full time and part time, I don't think there's ever been a job that I interviewed for that I didn't get...until recently. I have sent or dropped off my resume in COUNTLESS places. Each job I'm called to interview for seems great and I always think that the interviews go well. But here I sit, with a job I never want to go back to, searching desperately for something new.
In other news, I feel like I spend my days in a constant state of hunger and exhaustion. I should be writing my draft of my paper, but I'm not. MJ is awake after only a slight catnap, but appears to be content. She is trying to hold her eyelids open desperately, but they are drooping on her. There are two days of dirty dishes sitting in the kitchen which I really have no desire to do. It's like every day I feel differently. And I really need to stop this whining.
On a lighter note:
BABY!Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Frickin' Father's Day Assholes
My Dad has yet to return my call. I called him at like 2p his time and its now after 6p.
My biological father talked to me for a few minutes, said he'd call back, called back and talked for a few more minutes, then said he'd call me later this week.
B slept until the VERY last minute before he was supposed to meet his brother and father at Chilis for lunch at 1p. At 2:40p he called to say he was going to his brother's house all the way in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. So he has successfully spent a large part of his first Father's Day without MJ. He hasn't even seen his gift from us. I was going to make french toast with blueberry crumble bread for him, but then the lunch thing was finalized at the last minute. I was still going to make it to be nice, but he's not even home yet and its been 5 hours since he left. Oh and since he went up there, he missed the opportunity to sell my DVDs because yes, we're getting that broke and I don't know when I'll get paid.
It looks like he is shaping up to be the same asshole to MJ that those other two mentioned assholes are being to me. I can only hope this isn't true.
I have to go back to work while I'm still not fully emotionally adjusted. I am absolutely terrified that this will lead to me having to go back on all these shitty medications and not being able to feed MJ breastmilk. The Shitford Group Insurance thinks that postpartum depression warrants a look into all of your previous psychiatric medical records, which I think is horse shit, but once they see that I've had issues before, they'll call this pre-existing and I can't wait around on the CHANCE that they'll pay out. So tomorrow will be spent running around trying to secure child care and child care assistance. I also need to get my black pants out and see if any of them fit my ass or if I'm going to have to wear maternity pants to return to work.
There are lots of things I should be doing right now instead of pissing and moaning, but let's face it, I don't have the motivation to do them.
My biological father talked to me for a few minutes, said he'd call back, called back and talked for a few more minutes, then said he'd call me later this week.
B slept until the VERY last minute before he was supposed to meet his brother and father at Chilis for lunch at 1p. At 2:40p he called to say he was going to his brother's house all the way in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. So he has successfully spent a large part of his first Father's Day without MJ. He hasn't even seen his gift from us. I was going to make french toast with blueberry crumble bread for him, but then the lunch thing was finalized at the last minute. I was still going to make it to be nice, but he's not even home yet and its been 5 hours since he left. Oh and since he went up there, he missed the opportunity to sell my DVDs because yes, we're getting that broke and I don't know when I'll get paid.
It looks like he is shaping up to be the same asshole to MJ that those other two mentioned assholes are being to me. I can only hope this isn't true.
I have to go back to work while I'm still not fully emotionally adjusted. I am absolutely terrified that this will lead to me having to go back on all these shitty medications and not being able to feed MJ breastmilk. The Shitford Group Insurance thinks that postpartum depression warrants a look into all of your previous psychiatric medical records, which I think is horse shit, but once they see that I've had issues before, they'll call this pre-existing and I can't wait around on the CHANCE that they'll pay out. So tomorrow will be spent running around trying to secure child care and child care assistance. I also need to get my black pants out and see if any of them fit my ass or if I'm going to have to wear maternity pants to return to work.
There are lots of things I should be doing right now instead of pissing and moaning, but let's face it, I don't have the motivation to do them.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
We've Just Gotta Take Our Time
"We've just gotta take our time...It's like nothing really matters so let's make this moment a crime..." -the Format.
Sometimes a day goes by where I long for the Florida sun...and the endless stream of concerts that I would go to there. I miss the droves of idiots. The guy that was always too drunk, doing cartwheels over his beer. I think my favorite place to be though, was the House of Blues in Orlando. It was so small and less rambunctious. Like the people there actually came to hear the bands.
Days like this one, muggy and laid-back, they remind me of what it was like to not have things to give a flip about. Oh nostalgia. On that note, the baby needs a bath.
Sometimes a day goes by where I long for the Florida sun...and the endless stream of concerts that I would go to there. I miss the droves of idiots. The guy that was always too drunk, doing cartwheels over his beer. I think my favorite place to be though, was the House of Blues in Orlando. It was so small and less rambunctious. Like the people there actually came to hear the bands.
Days like this one, muggy and laid-back, they remind me of what it was like to not have things to give a flip about. Oh nostalgia. On that note, the baby needs a bath.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Interpersonal Communications
Class is back in session, as of yesterday. I don't know why I expected a sophomore level Interpersonal Communications class to be anything more than a "How To Effectively Communicate" course, but I did. I was wrong and now I'm annoyed. But its a requirement and I want to graduate.
To be honest though, I don't know how I will work, take care of MJ, and finish my degree without more help from B. He always says to just ask and he'll help, but then he gets caught up in his PS3 and forgets everything that I've asked him to do. I realize he works nights, but if he could just come home and dothe dishes, that'd be fabulous. One less thing to be concerned with. I don't know how to make it any clearer that I am serious about needing help around here, ESPECIALLY if I need to return to work.
On a lighter note, pumping and bottle feeding with MJ is going well. She won't take an ounce of formula anymore though. She gave me this look like, "Nice try, lady. You can't fool me." She is incredibly more content after 3oz from a bottle than 1 hour of nursing. And I am 10 times happier when she is more content!
Job search is pretty bleak. I guess I can keep extending my disability until they let me go...but that is not a logical solution. Might be time to hit the staffing agencies...
To be honest though, I don't know how I will work, take care of MJ, and finish my degree without more help from B. He always says to just ask and he'll help, but then he gets caught up in his PS3 and forgets everything that I've asked him to do. I realize he works nights, but if he could just come home and dothe dishes, that'd be fabulous. One less thing to be concerned with. I don't know how to make it any clearer that I am serious about needing help around here, ESPECIALLY if I need to return to work.
On a lighter note, pumping and bottle feeding with MJ is going well. She won't take an ounce of formula anymore though. She gave me this look like, "Nice try, lady. You can't fool me." She is incredibly more content after 3oz from a bottle than 1 hour of nursing. And I am 10 times happier when she is more content!
Job search is pretty bleak. I guess I can keep extending my disability until they let me go...but that is not a logical solution. Might be time to hit the staffing agencies...
Friday, June 4, 2010
Feelin' Ill
Today I spent a large majority of my time sleeping, as I felt like total shit. These antibiotics make my farts smell like pure rotting flesh, which just adds to the shitty sensation that has been my day. On a positive note, B got his ass out of bed and made us french toast this afternoon. MJ is sleeping like a champ, just like me, today.
School starts back in 4 days. I haven't even opened the box that my books came in. I cannot go to slackertown with this, it is far too important to finish this damn $50K+ investment. My initial thought was to begin reading ahead, so that I would have plenty of time, but psychiatrist thinks it best that I not go back to work too soon, so my only duties will be taking care of baby and school work.
Speaking of work, I need to continue to try and find a new job. Let's just not dive into the massive amounts of angry I am at that place. I just don't think it is worth sacrificing my own personal mental health to go back there. End of story.
And that's it for today folks. Thank you, come again.
School starts back in 4 days. I haven't even opened the box that my books came in. I cannot go to slackertown with this, it is far too important to finish this damn $50K+ investment. My initial thought was to begin reading ahead, so that I would have plenty of time, but psychiatrist thinks it best that I not go back to work too soon, so my only duties will be taking care of baby and school work.
Speaking of work, I need to continue to try and find a new job. Let's just not dive into the massive amounts of angry I am at that place. I just don't think it is worth sacrificing my own personal mental health to go back there. End of story.
And that's it for today folks. Thank you, come again.
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